No Hope for the Future
#no hope for the future
#I don't expect anything
There are times, when I think about the future, that make me feel like I am going to miss out on a lot of things. I am not very confident about getting what I want from life. On the one hand, this is due to my low self-esteem. On the other hand, this is the result of years of disappointed hopes.
I do not believe that the deserving always get what they are supposed to receive. I do not believe in the saying that you reap what you sow. There are too many factors involved in human interaction. There is too much going on for life to be this straightforward. I fear that I won’t ever have the family I want to have, and I fear that I won’t be able to keep up my standard of living. I cannot imagine finding a man to marry and a job to make me happy for the rest of my life. I yearn for a happy ending, but I cannot see it in my future.
I am afraid of what will come, and I am even more afraid of what will never happen. I have no faith in the future and that causes me sleepless nights and endless hours of anxiety. I live my life in the hope that one day, life will prove me wrong, but until then, I do not expect anything at all.
Observations on the Subway
#observations on the subway
#mom and baby
#question my future
#flashes of insight
Today I saw a mom with her baby
A little worm who could barely open his eyes
And just seeing them cuddle had me suppressing the sighs
As I began to question my future to allow a maybe
It was the first time ever that I wondered
What it would be like to become a mom
Now I’m scared that I’ve entered a maelstrom
In which lightning wins over thunder
I don’t like flashes of insight
Which make me question my plans
Besides there really isn’t even a chance
Because there’s no man to make this flash a lasting light
It shocked me to see this happy family
And it made me think much more than I thought it could
All because the baby looked so trusting and cute
And I long for a love that bears such intensity
"I have seen this too many times before. The unwarranted devotion. Putting up with the fear of being with the wrong person because you can’t deal with the fear of being alone. The hope tinged with doubt, and the doubt tinged with hope. Every time I see these feelings in someone else’s face, it weighs me down."
David Levithan, Every Day